Lingering [Juli]

[Graham Kerr]

Graham had thought long and hard about this. The blind date with a friend had made a long lasting impression, and he knew he had to do something. Anything. One last chance and then he'd give up, then he'd say fcuk it, Juli apparently didn't want him. But he deserved at least one last chance, one last desperate attempt to prove that he was worth a relationship to Juli. Maybe he wasn't, but then he'd know, and it wouldn't be from lack of trying.

He'd been in his room most of the morning, thinking over the letter he was writing, carefully choosing the words he wanted to tell him, even though he knew that nothing he could say could come close to the truth.

Juli,

things between us have been bad for a long time now. I don't know how you feel about it, what you think caused it, but I know that I hate it. I want to be your friend. I want to be able to hang out at parties, talk and laugh together. I want you in my life.

But what I want most of all is for you to notice me. To see me, not just as a friend but someone you could potentially fall in love with. Those nights we shared meant the world to me. I'm sorry that I couldn't show it before. A lot of things were in the way, were keeping me from seeing what I really wanted.

I want you, Juli. I know that now, and I know that I'm probably way too late, that you've already found someone to be happy with, but it wouldn't be right if I kept it inside. I had to tell you how much I care for you, how much I want you to be my boyfriend.

I understand though, if you wouldn't want that. I just hope you won't feel uncomfortable around me because of it. Then again, how much worse can things get, right?

I'm not expecting much from you. Just...a chance to be friends, at least. Do you think you could possibly give me that?

-Gray

His forehead was red from rubbing at it, from trying to stop himself from posting the letter, or from throwing it in the trash can. He wanted to do both, and he wasn't sure whether or not that was a smart thing to do. Part of him felt like Juli had to know, so eventually he slipped the letter into his mailbox with a deep, shaky breath, before heading back to his dorm room.

[Julian Janvier]

Juli reread the letter. It was his third read and every time he read Gray's words it was like the wind was knocked out of him. He wasn't really sure why. Because he really liked the guy? No that wasn't it. He told himself that over and over again. It was because of how sure Graham was that he didn't want him back. Like he was staying away because he didn't want him. He didn't really have a reason for staying away from the blue eyes angel, other then that he was trying to fight feelings that were too strong. And Tony. Tony kept telling him that he was just a kid, that he wouldn't be able to handle Juli, that Juli would break him.

And he believed hi, but he just couldn't stay away from him any longer. Tony be damned.

He took out a piece of paper and got a pen from his desk and sat down to write.

Dear Gray Angel,

Sweet, sweet Gray. How could you think that things between are so bad? Me staying away didn't help. I know that. You staying away didn't either. But kid, how can you think that I don't see you?

All I do is think of you. All I do is wonder how to make us right again. But we were never broken, never at odds. Things just got complicated, confused and I should have just been me and stepped up. But I couldn't. Because Tony's right. I could break you so easily. I could hurt you so badly. And that's the last thing I want to do to you.

I have secrets Gray, a life that I don't think you'll ever accept, and I doubt that I'd ask you to. Mates? We can be friend sure if that's what yo want. But I want so much more. And sometimes, I think that I shouldn't.

You're too golden, too innocent. And I'm as fcuked up as they come. I care so much about you. I do. Please believe that.

~ J

He drew a little heart over his curly J like always and put his letter in the post, sighing. "Tony be damned." He muttered walking back to his room.

[Graham Kerr]

To be honest, Graham had expected him to come to his room, and when he went to bed that night - red eyes from crying and his blankets crumpled up so he could cling to them and not feel so alone and pathetic - he had taken the pictures of Juli from his diary and kissed them softly, before gently putting them away in a place he would always know but never accidentally stumble into. That was it then. The end. He really should have known.

He wasn't good enough. Why did he ever think that one lousy date with a cute guy meant that he could have someone like Juli? He couldn't. He'd been stupid. So fcuking stupid, and it hurt so much that he was rejected that he stayed in bed for the entire next day.

Of course eventually he got kicked out - class and friends and all that, and he couldn't help but go over to his mailbox, telling himself that maybe mom had written, that really, he wasn't going to check his mail because of the one millionth percent chance that Juli had written him back.

Graham told himself that while he opened the mailbox and even when he held Juli's letter in his hand. He kept telling himself that, until he started reading and then he told himself that just because Juli wrote him back, it didn't mean that they would be more than just friends. Friends was shaky enough as it was.

His eyes scanned the letter, narrowing when Tony was mentioned. Just that he was dating Reese didn't mean he approved of him. Hell no. But why did Juli think he would break him? He wasn't fourteen anymore. He'd seen more than most kids his age anyway.

Juli,

I'm not an angel. I'm not innocent or any of those things you make me out to be. I'm just an ordinary guy. A kid, yeah, maybe. But I've seen stuff, I've -done- stuff that most people my age haven't. So you're fcuked up. Who cares? I don't. I want you, Juli. I want all of you, not just the happy façade. So if you think you can give me that, then I promise I'll handle it. I don't break that easily. Being away from you, being alone, that broke me.

Gray chewed on his bottom lip, still near the mailbox where he'd sat down to write his reply. It was complicated, it really was. Because Juli hadn't said it. Not once. He'd never said that he actually wanted to be with him.

But if you don't want to be with me His eyes were clouding up again, damn it. Hadn't he cried enough? Then please just be honest about it. Don't give me pretty words about how you care for me. If you don't want to give this a shot then just tell me.

-Gray