Gonna Get Burned [Jesse]

[Ryan Robins]

Ryan had been brought in screaming in the middle of the night, fighting off the healers that were trying to stop the bleeding, were trying to keep him from making a mistake, and he was yelling at them to leave him the fcuk alone, to let him be, because he didn't want this anymore. He couldn't do it. Couldn't fcuking do it.

He was shivering when they bandaged his wrists, forcing the medication through his throat that made him feel numb for the moment. Blue eyes were shattered, but he stopped fighting them, and just stared at the ceiling until the sun broke through the trees.

He wanted Jesse, he wanted Grant, he wanted someone to come in and care for him, but he wasn't allowed to. It was wrong, and he was wrong for wanting a man. Having come clean to his parents about Ange being pregnant, they had immediately forced him back into therapy, with that man that kept promising him he'd no longer have Borderline when he came clean with himself, when he turned straight, the way God had intended.

[Jesse Huber]

He'd gotten news from someone in a lower year that his boyfriend was in the hospital, that he needed to see him. So he ran as fast as he could and banged on the doors to be let in. "Let me in! I'm fcuking serious.. I need to see him, let me see Ryan." He barged into the room, breathing heavily and smiled a bit at his boyfriend. "Hey there.." He slid his hand up and ran his fingers through his hair, looking around the room. "You're not supposed to land yourself here.. you know.."

Jesse had been out with Trey when he'd gotten the kid coming up to him. He'd kissed Trey fleetingly and ran, ran to go and see what had happened to his Ryan. Why was he in the hopital? Had the medication not been working? Had he not been taking it, or was it something else entirely..?

[Ryan Robins]

Ryan felt like crying when Jesse came in, looking all worried and scared. There was nothing he wanted more than to hide out in his arms and feel safe there, but he wasn't allowed to. "Jess...Jess, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, just..." His arms were covered in wounds, most of them bandaged up, but a few were still visible. Small red lines that made it obvious what he'd done, or tried to do. "I'm scared."

[Grant Carson]

His eyes widened and he shook his head, coming closer to his boyfriend and brushing his hair from his face, smiling a little, down at him. "Its okay.. don't be sorry.. just get better yeah?" He gave him a little hug and looked to the nurses, checking around for a second and kissing his head. "Want to tell me what caused it?" Jesse had been worried, still looked it of course, but still. He was here.

[Ryan Robins]

"So much. I'm...I don't know if I can be with you?" It was a question, because he really needed Jesse to tell him that they could be together, that it wasn't wrong, that they were great as a couple and that his parents were the screwed up ones. Ryan looked up at his boyfriend, eyes pleading and desperate. He needed him so much.

[Grant Carson]

"Why don't you know? Is it your parents? Are they that against being gay?" He looked down at him, eyes soft and sad. Would going away make him any better? Would it make his life easier, or just that much harder to handle. "What happened between the other day and now." They'd be happy and fine the other day, so great together, now Ryan was here in the hospital, suffering.

[Ryan Robins]

"They're making me have therapy. And they want me to marry Angela. She's having my baby, and fcuk, they see their whole future going to hell if I don't turn straight. They say I'm sick, that I wouldn't be feeling like this if I turned my back on men...I don't know what to believe. Will I be sane again, if I stop screwing around with you?" He was so confused, so hurting.

[Grant Carson]

Jesse felt a stab of pain at his words and nodded slowly. "Maybe.. it'll help, talking to someone." He just shook his head and looked at him for the longest moment. "Your baby huh.. marraige.." He bit his lip and looked away for a second. "Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I don't have the answer to that. You like men right? Do what you want to do, play with who you want to.." God.. it hurt to hear that he was just screwing around. But.. he could never end up with a guy anyway could he?

[Ryan Robins]

"No. I...I want you. But what if they're right? What if this is wrong? It feels right, it does, but they say it's my fault I'm feeling this way. They say that if I don't....that if I stop feeling this way about guys...they say I'm to blame for having to take meds every day." His voice was shaking and he reached out towards him, nothing more than a little kid at the moment.

[Grant Carson]

He sighed and slid onto the bed. "You can't know if they're right or wrong. Just know what you feel. Don't lose what you feel Ryan.Never do." He shook his head. "You're not to blame, how can you be?" He pulled him close and sighed softly. Maybe Ryan needed a break from everything, maybe he needed to just get away, go somewhere and paint. Would it help him though.

[Ryan Robins]

"But it hurts...it hurts too much to stand. I wanted to cut it out. I wanted to cut away the bad part of me. And then I thought of you...of losing you...and I just didn't know anymore. When I'm talking to him, it makes me feel like I'm hurting you. And I don't...I don't want to do that. You should go...you should leave me, and go to Trey, he can make you happy. He's not screwed up, like me." He was crying now.

[Jesse Huber]

“There is no bad part of you. So your parents can't take the fact that you like men, oh well. They don't know much about live anyway. You live your life the way you want to.” He just shook his head and sighed softly. “I don't know if Trey will have me.” Jesse shrugged his shoulders and smiled lightly at him. “You're not messed up. You just need time to figure it all out. Come on, honestly.” He nudged his head up and kissed him softly. “Don't cry.. please, I promise It'll end up okay.”

[Ryan Robins]

"Trey'll have you. He's always wanted to, but I was selfish. I thought I could have you to myself, but I'm not allowed to be selfish" He curled his fingers in Jesse's shirt, hiding his face there and smelling his cologne. "I have to let you go, don't you understand? Don't you see that I'm only going to fcuk the both of us over?"

[Jesse Huber]

Jesse's breath caught in his throat and he sighed the best he could. “Travis Spencer only wants to fcuk me. He wants nothing more from me..” He ran his fingers through Ryan's hair and bit his lip. “You're breaking up with me, until you think clearly? Or just plain breaking it off..?” Did Ryan really think he wanted to be straight? That was a fate worse than death.

[Ryan Robins]

"I..." He didn't know. He just damn didn't -know- and it tore him apart. "Don't wait for me" It sounded choked up, and it was the hardest thing he'd ever said to anyone. He couldn't promise Jesse anything. And that hurt so damn much. Because he liked him, he cared for him, damn it, he even loved him. Was this his destiny? Feel loved and feel in love and only break it off?