Lose the Highs, Spare the Lows [Reese]

[Reese Mackenzie]

Graham was the most important guy in her life and she wasn’t going to just sit here and say nothing about what he was doing. “You better not turn into one..” she muttered. She knew she being sort of a hypocrite right now. When it came down to drugs she couldn’t deny she had used a few things or still did every now and then. Hell she even ended up in the hospital once cause of it but this was Graham. Her little brother.

She let him catch her hand, curling her fingers around his. “Course I do want him to paint, but Gray I have a job now. I send mom enough money every week and I’m saving money for Arthur every month.” She shook her head, not agreeing with his statement that she did not needed to look after him anymore. “You’re my brother, course I will look out for you honey.”

It hurt that he still used drugs to earn money. She didn’t want that for him and even though she tried to look out for her family it just wasn’t enough? “Just let me take care of mom and Arthur okay? I don’t want this for you…” pulling her hand back she reached out again. Her fingers softly touching his cheek.

[Graham Kerr]

"I know you don't want this for me, but it's something I can handle" He smiled, kissing her cheek and pulling her close to him. "I need to pay for other things. I need to be able to stay here. This is my life, baby. Making music is my dream and if selling drugs helps me get through school, then that's fine. I'll be done afterwards, I promise." He looked at her, puppy eyes, looking all innocent. "No trouble. Alright? If I get in trouble...I'll quit. Promise."

Juli was temporarily pushed to the back of his mind, though right now he was an important reason for being there. For wanting to be here, because his friendship meant a lot to him. Being able to hang out with him was important. "It's just for another short while."

[Reese Mackenzie]

Reese snuggled into his arms, being a cuddler just like Graham. From the entire family the both of them were pretty much the biggest cuddle addicts. “I know, but I don’t have to like it. I just don’t want you to get hurt Gray.” She tilted her head back a little, her eyes travelling up to meet hers. “You’re not following the rules. I’m suppose to make sure my little brother is doing alright, not my little brother doing dangerous stuff to take care of himself and us.”

She hated that, it just wasn’t right. “Be careful okay?” Deep down inside Reese knew Graham had to do what he was doing. She hated it but she knew both of them had no choice. She needed to put her own life on hold a lot to make sure Arthur and mom had it alright and Graham needed to his thing to make sure he could stay in school.

[Graham Kerr]

Graham kissed the top of her head, cuddling up with her. He loved to cuddle, more than anything. Which was why a relationship with Juli, who fcuked so well, would never work. He wanted to fall asleep in his arms, and maybe he did that night, though it had only been about sex. He couldn't cling to Juli that way, and he wouldn't. They were just friends. Yea, the other was affectionate with him, but it was only to annoy Tony.

"I promise. I won't get in trouble. If I do I promise I'll ask for help, alright? I'm not stupid." Granted, he wasn't the smartest kid around either but he knew criminals like no other. "Now that we've got this settled, please please just help me figure out what to do about the thing with Juli?"

[Reese Mackenzie]

Reese groaned but finally gave in and let Graham cuddle her. That so wasn’t fair, he always knew how to turn things around so it seemed unfair that she was upset with him. Still she wanted him to drop the whole drugs scene thing and he would, she just needed to work on him a little more before he would. Reese was sure of that and very stubborn, ergo: She would convince Graham. Or so she hoped.

A few minutes later she pulled away from him and settled down in the corner of the couch. Stretching her tired legs she let them rest on his lap, while she wrapped her large scarf better around her neck.” Yeah well, I’m not so sure what the better deal is. Pissing them off or me.” And Graham should know, he grew up with her.

“So, let me get this strait. You had this one night thing with him, you like him and I guess he’s coming to the party tonight? And you don’t know what to do?” Or something like that, he had lost her with the Juli thing when he started talking about doing drugs.

[Graham Kerr]

"Something like that. It was the last party before summer, we were completely out of it and I went with him to his room to get some more alcohol" Graham paused, rubbing his forehead, trying to remember what had happened and how. "I'm pretty sure that he kissed me first. It's hard to remember. Anyway, we ended up in bed together. I think. I mean, I don't remember."

He was just so damn stupid for giving up his virginity like that. To a drunk fcuk. Like it meant nothing and the sad thing was that it had meant a lot to him. That he'd always said he wanted to lose it in a loving relationship, where he could give his heart along with his body. "I woke up in his bed the next morning, pretty much freaked out and left when he was still asleep. I didn't really know what to do. I mean...Mack, I gave him my first time."

[Reese Mackenzie]

Wow. She had known her brother liked to party but never expected him to have like an one night stand and loose his virginity in the same night. That was something new, then again Graham didn’t know her entirely either. So it wasn’t a total surprise he did something every now and then she would not expect him to do. “It was a pretty wild party, I’ll give you that.”

She ran a hand through her hair and thought for a moment. She wasn’t exactly the right person to talk to about first times. Hers had not been all romantic either really. “Honey there are no rules about how a first time should be. Apparently you really wanted to be with him that night and what is wrong about that? ”she smiled, knowing how he must be feeling right. She had lost her virginity when she had been barely fifteen, a little too young but hey? You couldn’t take your virginity back. “If it helps, I can’t really remember my first time either. It was like over before it started but it was with someone I wanted to have sex with.”

[Graham Kerr]

"I don't know if I wanted to be with him. I mean...I remember him kissing me, and that I just completely lost track of everything. And then he was touching me, and it kind of ended in a blur." He'd give anything to remember it. To know if Juli had been gentle with him, what he'd said, if he said anything at all.

"I'm just scared that like..either he'll think that I have a crush on him-" Which he did, but wouldn't admit to if he was held at gun point. "Or that he thinks I'm an easy lay for when Tony isn't available." Gray could hear his own voice turning a little bitter at that. So yea, he did crush on Juli. But only a little. "I'm just worried, you know? That I'm like deluding myself into thinking I like him because I'd regret what happened otherwise." Did that even make sense to anyone but him?

[Reese Mackenzie]

Reese always had some sort of advice ready for Graham but in this situation he needed a mind reader or a physic to help him out. She didn’t know Juli well enough to see what was going on inside of him or who he was after. Reese did know the guy was alright and that he and Tony seemed to mess around some. But when it came down to Graham? She was just as in the dark about this as her little brother seemed to be.

“I’m just as much in the dark about what Juli thinks as you are Gray. But I don’t think it really matters what he thinks right now. It depends on what you want from him.” So what if Juli thought Graham was crushing on him? If he wasn’t Juli would see for himself that wasn’t the case if Graham did not gave any crush-vibes of.

“Honey have some faith in yourself and don’t think it through that much. You’re not someone who doesn’t do something if you either really don’t want to or see no other solution. If you go analyse it like this you might end up regretting if cause you are forcing yourself to do so. It happened, so what? If you feel later on you wanted the first time to be different than make sure you make your second time really special.”

Graham was such a thinker, he needed to think a little less about things like this. Just accept it and deal with it the way it comes or went.

[Graham Kerr]

"I know, I'm even driving myself crazy. It's just-" He ran fingers through his hair, wondering what the hell was wrong with him and how he could possibly fix it. "His friendship means a lot to me. I don't want things to be all awkward between us because I made a mistake." He wasn't sure if that was what it was though. A mistake. Whenever he thought back on that night he felt something, and he was scared to analyze it.

"I don't want to like him, Mack. I just...don't. I'm not ready for everybody to know that I'm, you know." Gay. Very much so, even. He'd known it for such a long time now, but the thought that everyone knew..well it scared him. He knew a lot of prejudiced people and feared that they'd hate him for something he couldn't even control. That they'd think the label was all he was.

[Reese Mackenzie]

Reese smiled faintly, hating it that she could not just provide a solution and everything would be okay again. “You think it was a mistake honey?” or was it something he wanted her to believe? Or make himself believe? It was sad and just too cute at the same time, how he was worried about something like a first time having sex. There was just so much else there that was far more important. People often realized that later on, when their first time had long come and gone.

“You can’t chose who you like, trust me I know.” Tony. Tony. Tony. Oh fcuk. Why did she have to like him of all guys again?! She shrugged, “Then don’t tell anyone and just be friends with him Gray. No one is forcing you to be out in the open if you don’t feel comfortable doing so just yet.” She had been where he was now a few years ago. Reese knew it would all work out eventually, Graham had just to find that out for himself.

[Graham Kerr]

"I don't know. I just...I figure that's how he feels. Like this is just a stupid mistake, a one time fcuk because...well I think Tony hooked up with someone else that night. Maybe for him it was just...an easy way to get laid." That thought hurt so much. But he couldn't just delude himself into believing that maybe this had been special to Juli. It would only hurt more if it turned out to be false.

Running fingers through his hair, Gray groaned and hid his face. "I do like him. I couldn't stop thinking about him all summer. But I don't even remember what happened that night. I remember kissing him, and then I woke up. That's just pathetic, isn't it? Not remembering your first time. I just hope he didn't notice. That he just..took me, and doesn't think anything further of it."

[Reese Mackenzie]

Reese raised a brow, Tony and Juli? “What? Are they dating or something?” Tony was actually dating someone? No way! She knew he was into boys and girls but dating? No fcuking way! Forcing herself to sit up Reese pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. “You don’t know how he feels or what he thinks. Don’t decide that for him, go find out honey. It might be totally different from what you believe.”

She shook her head, patting his leg for a moment. “No it’s not pathetic. Honey don’t do this. Don’t drive yourself crazy like this. I know this is confusing and that it probably wasn’t what you had expected it all to be but you can’t change anything about it now.” It had happened, that was just a fact. Thinking for a moment she kept silent, “I could try to find out if Juli mentioned anything to anyone about that night. If you want me too.” Reese was always good at getting information out of others without making it obvious she was doing just that.

[Graham Kerr]

"No, I mean..it'll be fine. I doubt he mentioned anything to anyone, though he might have told Tony." Graham rubbed his forehead, pulling his legs to his chest and leaning his chin on them. "No they're not dating. He fcuks him though. Told me that Juli was his property, like he's some damn whore. Still, Juli doesn't seem to mind. I've always thought he had a crush on him. I mean why else would he let anyone play with him like that?"

He turned towards Reese, shaking his head a little. "Tony plays with everyone. Whenever he wants to screw around and no one else is willing, he'll go over to Juli and seduce him. It always works. I don't know why. Maybe Tony is just a really good fcuk." Gray knew that he couldn't compare. Wouldn't ever, because Tony Hoult had slept with about the entire world.

[Reese Mackenzie]

“Maybe cause he doesn’t have anyone who really likes him? People need someone who cares about them, everyone needs someone. Maybe Juli pretends that Tony is that guy for him until he finds the right one. Maybe till he finds you?” okay well that sucked. Tony doing Juli, another reason why she shouldn’t crush on the brown haired hottie. It seemed the list of reasons not to kept growing and growing. Unless she would distract Tony so Graham could make his move. Then again, she wasn’t a sl*t so that wasn’t such a great idea either. But it was one to keep in mind.

“I doubt Juli is that shallow.” Shaking her head she frowned, Juli was not that stupid right? “Gray it might not be such a bad idea to try and let Juli know that you like him. Like not blurting out you might be crushing on him but in little things. That always works.” Well it did work for her. It should work for Graham, cause come one…her little brother was a handsome guy.