Sketch Me Away [Ryan]

[Dane Matthews]

Drawing and earning money at the same time? How perfect was that? Dane wanted to become an artist who could live of selling his art. Right now he just drew for himself and for the school, but one day that would be different. Dane didn’t want to be famous, he wanted his art to mean something to people. And if that would earn him his hot meal at the end of the day, why not?

Sitting under a tree in the park Dane had his sketch book open and he was drawing two little girls playing with a puppy. Besides the beach Dane spend a lot of time in the park, drawing people and selling his sketches for ten dollars. After selling a couple and people noticed him drawing more often they even came up to ask him to draw them. Or their children, their pets. Whatever really. Dane didn’t earn hundreds of dollars but he did make a little money every now and then.

And the people he did draw but never came up to him to ask for a drawing? Well those he kept for himself as inspiration for future drawings.

[Ryan Robins]

Ryan had had the similar thought after a night that left him angry and upset. He had stopped taking his medication, thinking that now he was straight, he wouldn't need them anymore. Only he did. He had gone crazy that night, out of his mind, and he'd cut again when he had promised Grant that he wouldn't. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fcuking fair that he wasn't even allowed to be happy.

So he was on his medication again, and he was sketching, knowing that he couldn't draw like this, knowing that he needed his mind, or maybe to lose it, and god, he hated being the stereotypical artist that he was starting to portray. Lighting a cigarette with trembling fingers, he pressed a hand to his forehead, tearing off a sheet of paper and throwing it away after curling it into a ball. It skidded over right to where Dane was drawing but he didn't notice as his pencil made furious lines onto a new piece of paper.

[Dane Matthews]

When something soft bumped his leg Dane looked up from his drawing and noticed a sheet of paper curled into a ball laying besides him. Picking it up he unfolded it to discover it was a sketch halfway done. And it wasn’t that bad either. Curious to whom it belonged to Dane looked up and looked around for a bit. Only to discover Ryan sitting a few feet behind him somewhere in the grass. Scribbling down, ‘Finish it. It’s good.’ he folded the paper into a little plane and send it flying back to Ryan.

Both boys never had been truly close friends but they had been friends. The emphasizes on had been.[i/] Not too long ago when they had been talking Ryan had suddenly kissed him. Dane had been shocked, surprised cause he had not seen it coming and perhaps a little grossed out cause Dane was as straight as could be. However, right after that they hadn’t really talked anymore. It wasn’t like Dane didn’t want to – hell he liked Ryan as a friend-, he just wasn’t really sure if Ryan wanted to. The kid had been pretty shocked himself when it had happened.

[Ryan Robins]

Ryan caught the plane, looking up to see Dane smiling at him. He bit his lip, looking down at the sheet of paper as he unfolded it. Finish it. It's good. It made him grimace a little, and he shook his head a bit, scrawling something else onto the paper. 'It's messed up. Like I am.' Folding the piece of paper back into a plane he sent it in Dane's direction.

Only to go back to his sketching. Dane was right. He had been pretty shocked. And devastated, because how the hell could he do something as stupid as this? How in the world could he ruin a friendship by kissing someone? Dane had been grossed out, and it was completely logical. It was why he didn't want to come onto Grant. He never wanted to ruin their friendship. He had so little friends left.

[Dane Matthews]

No matter how small it was, Dane still did catch the reaction on Ryan’s face, and made him smirk a little. Sure, Dane had been grossed out but he figured Ryan had been pretty confused as well. It wasn’t like someone kissed a friend full on the lips every day. But that did not mean Dane had wanted to let the friendship end.

Catching the plane and reading what was written on it was enough for Dane to pick up his bag, his sketch book move over to Ryan. Settling himself down into the grass Dane he laid the sketch onto the new one Ryan was making. “We all are Ry. Only some of us are brave enough to admit it.” Dane had tried to give Ryan some space but maybe he had given him just a bit too much. He liked the guy and didn’t want their friendship to end. So if it was still possible to safe it, or at least some of it, then Dane would try.

[Ryan Robins]

"Guess that's the first step, isn't it? Admitting that you're screwed. How many steps will it be this time? I guess that twelve would be a little too standard, wouldn't it?" Ryan ran fingers through his hair, tossing away the rest of his cigarette before looking at the angel he'd been trying to draw. It was ridiculous, it looked stupid and awful and there was no goddamn spark in his work. Not like usually.

So he crumpled up the paper again, tearing it into little bits and letting them float in the wind that was fairly strong today, playing with his hair and making him look a bit weird but cute at the same time. Definitely young. Which he was, really, there really wasn't too much left to handle. He was already breaking.

[Dane Matthews]

Dane shrugged, “I don’t know. I mostly skip the rules and do what I want.” His art was proof of that. There were these rules on colours, on how to use paint or crayons or whatever. Rules on light, shadow, things that their teachers wanted them to follow in some way when they drew. They were basic and could be bend in every way the artist wanted to, but they were still rules. Dane didn’t like that, so he just threw them out of the window on the first day of school.

“Don’t throw away your art. Unlike some people in this school you actually do have a talent you can reach and touch them with.” A sketch might now mean much to Ryan but to many people a sketch was already amazing. And well, Dane had liked the angel, finding it a waste it was now literally ‘gone in the wind.’

[Ryan Robins]

"I can't paint, I can't draw, I can't even make a goddamn sketch without my medication" Not that Dane would know about the medication. Or about the therapy. Or Jesse. Or the non-eating. Or anything that had happened to him since their kiss. "It's fine. I'll be fine. I'll be alright, as long as I stay in control." As long as he stuck to therapy where he could learn to be a proper straight guy and why was it so hard for him and not for others?

[Dane Matthews]

Dane raised a brow when Ryan mentioned something about taking medication. He didn’t know Ryan was taking something, although he wouldn’t ask. If Ryan hadn’t told him he probably didn’t want to, so Dane wouldn’t ask. You didn’t need to share everything with his friends, Lord knew Dane didn’t do that either. “I wouldn’t know about that, but I do know you would still kick ass at art.” Ryan was really good, some of his work was better than other work, but hey…that was pretty much the same with every artist out there.“I never said I doubted you wouldn’t be fine Ry.” He hadn’t, but it made him wonder if others might have done so.

[Ryan Robins]

"I'm not fine. I'm not alright. I won't be alright until I'm cured. How can you be cured if you're not even sick?" Ryan looked at Dane, running fingers through his hair again and biting his lip. "It's so confusing. They say I'm sick. I don't feel sick. I didn't, at least. But they insist I am, and that I can make it go away. If I just turn straight I won't feel this confused anymore. I won't need to take the medication anymore."

[Dane Matthews]

He knew Ryan, it was obvious he was not fine. Just cause Dane hadn’t said Ryan wasn’t fine didn’t mean he believed the guy was alright. Still, he stayed silent and just let Ryan talk. Something the guy probably needed more, someone who listened. “There is nothing wrong with being gay or bi.” he finally said, not being a total stranger with this kind of conversation. “You are who you are, there is nothing wrong with liking guys Ryan.”

[Ryan Robins]

"Yes, yes there is Dane. I'm not allowed to like guys. I should like girls. I should date girls. I am dating. A girl. She's nice, but I don't want her. I'm not...not the way I like guys." Ryan ran fingers through his hair, remembering how she had been Dane's friend first. How she'd liked him and maybe Dane would hate him again if he found out. He didn't want it to happen, but he kind of deserved it, didn't he?

[Dane Matthews]

“Says who?” Dane really had a problem with people trying to control his life and it generally pissed him off when he noticed that someone tried to control his friends lives, making that friend feel uncomfortable or just not happy. “If you want something you have to get it yourself, if you want to live your own life you have to fight for it. People will always try and control you and your actions cause it makes them happy.” Looking aside to Ryan he hoped his friend would see that too. “Do what makes you happy Ryan and if that means you want to be with guys, then be with guys.”

[Ryan Robins]

"Everyone. Mom, dad. They say I can't be with anyone. Because if I am with a guy then I'm insane, and I don't want to be. I can't be with someone because I have Borderline and if I just turn straight then I won't have to be like this. I can stop taking medication and not go insane and cut myself and I want to be able to paint again. I can't paint." Ryan knew he wasn't making much sense, but he could hardly help himself. Things didn't make much sense in his world. They had stopped making sense so long ago.

[Dane Matthews]

Dane truly felt for the guy even though they were not that close of friends at this point. Never had Dane been in a situation like Ryan was, confused about what to do but Dane had been standing at the sideline watching other friends go through the same. Graham and Reese were perfect examples of that. Course every person reacted in a different way but it was all the same, they had been or were looking for themselves. To try and find their way in life.

“Being gay does not make you insane, nor does it cause Borderline. It really sucks that they try to make you believe that.” How could people be so ignorant? So bloody stupid? Couldn’t they see Ryan was really troubled with all of this? “I’m no psychologist but I know that once you figure out what you want, keep that with you and follow it, things will get better. Perhaps not right away but they will. Girls, guys…whatever does it for you Rye.” Watching the guy make attempts at sketching he hoped he would find his way through this somehow. “Don’t say you can’t paint, I know you can. I’ve seen you paint and it rocks. Just give it some time.”